Yesterday, I felt like I might literally lose it. I was at my daughters’ mall dance performance, and I really felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. This grandma sitting next to me (we were in the front row) kept standing to take videos of her granddaughter. “Down in front,” people shouted from behind, but she either chose not to hear them or literally could not.
Then the women sitting on the floor in front of me refused to take her screaming three-year old from her grandmother. “She don’t want you,” the grandma said over and over. “She dressed you up sumfin’ perty, and you go and get too shy to dance. She aks you to just try, and you couldn’t even do that.”
Now, I am an English teacher, so the butchering of the English language in itself made my blood boil, but the incessant crying, literally I started to grind my teeth. Just when I was about to go through my purse and look for a sharp object to poke out my eardrums, the mother finally turned around, rolled her eyes, and reached for her child. She said nothing to the little girl who quieted down immediately to snuggle into her mother’s arms.
37 minutes of pure hell ended with a child on a lap.
Who the hell were these people? Were they in a vacuum completely unaware of the other viewers, the other parents, the performers themselves?
Then came the parents who wanted photos who kicked my chair, my purse, and my soda, all to get to the front to capture their little Mary Sue or Connie Mae on their crappy pixalation smart phones.
We left the mall, and I am not sure I really enjoyed watching my children dance, something that they really enjoy doing.
I got home, and I felt a pang in my stomach. An uneasy angst swept over me. What was wrong with me? Why could I not just sit back and enjoy the show?
Could it be the holidays? My menstrual cycle? The plethora of grading I need to get done?
Out of nowhere, it hit me! I haven’t taken any time for me, for my outlet, for my personal solace. I haven’t been writing!
About 420 blogs into this adventure, I got a little winded, felt a little frazzled, and lost my mojo. I got busy with life and I pretty much abandoned the blog. I thought about it, but the buck stopped there. I avoided it completely. I had other pressing matters that needed to get done. I stopped checking my stats and I stopped paying attention to new followers. Seemingly, people were still paying attention even though I was not giving them anything new to read. Instead of seeing even minor stats as a miracle on all of those hundreds of days I did not write, I ignored the whole medium and focused on other aspects of life.
And what did that get me?
A quasi-insane day at the mall! The sounds of society are a clamorous cacophony of nothingness. I had abandoned my source of solitude and finally felt the proverbial last nerve snap– if I didn’t do something about it, and quick, I might have lost my last morsel of sanity, and no one wants to visit their mother in the loony bin on Christmas morning.
Thus, I have returned to the world of writing, a world where birdies fly near my head, and daffodils tickle my ankles and toes. A place where the tides lap onto the rocks ever so gently, and I dance and float and sing.
Please do not send the men with the white coats. I like it here. I’ll be okay.