It really is 3AM, and no, I do not have anyone knocking at my door. I am awake because my geriatric dog has bladder control issues, and he was sitting at the base of my bed whimpering to be let out. After I let him in, we tried to go back to sleep, but Tom is in just the right state of slumber that his breathing is somewhere between heavy and a snore, so I cannot sleep.
Hence, I have taken to the World Wide Web to tire myself out. I decided to check my Facebook and try my hand at Candy Crush. I have been stuck on level 275 for four days, and it is really frustrating me. However, before I could get to Candy Crush, I had to read a blog. A friend of mine posted it to my timeline with the caption: “Perhaps a good topic for your English class.”
The picture was a picture I saw in my feed earlier today. The picture of the giraffe is attached to a riddle, and the premise is that if you cannot answer the riddle, you must use the giraffe as your profile picture for three days!
Well, to me, this riddle game is on the same level as all the other chain-feeds I ignore. I am not posting a word about where we met. I am not posting the color of my bra. I am not posting my first-dog-street-stripper name. Nope, and I am not going to bother to try to answer a riddle.
However, read a blog about answering a riddle, that I can do! (Hint! Click on the hyperlink to read it, too.)
After reading Kirby Keith’s blog, I would respectfully say that I disagree with his premise. As an English teacher, I feel that the riddle was phrased accurately. I know from experience that often times, I wake up without initially opening my eyes. My body is keenly aware of its wakeful state, I just haven’t opened my eyes yet.
My problem is not with the answer to the question, “What is the first thing you open?” because obviously the first thing I open is my eyes. My problem is with the riddle itself.
For those of you who do not know, here is the riddle in question:
“It’s 3AM, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors, it’s your parents, and they are there for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread, and cheese. What is the first thing you open?”
Let’s play this scenario in real-time, shall we?
I am fast asleep and I am dreaming. I am at the mall, and I am trying on clothes and everything seems too big. Even my bra seems too big, so I go to Victoria Secret to be sized for a new bra. I am in the dressing room with the fitter, and we hear a knock. I panic, thinking that someone can see “the girls.” I cover up by crossing my arms, but the sales lady is trying to measure and she pushes my arms down so she can fit me accurately. I hear the knock yet again. I look around but I am in a dressing room, no one can see me. I hear the knock again, and somewhere in my brain the existential self of dream world registers that the knock is happening in real-time. I realize that this dressing room is part of a dream, and when the knock strikes again, I awake.
I open my eyes (see, it is the first thing opened!) and the clock reads 3AM. Anyone knows that if the phone rings or someone knocks at 3AM it can only mean one of two options: 1. Someone is hurt or 2. Someone is dead.
I jump out of bed and my heart is pounding. No wait, my heart is racing in my chest. I play scenarios as I run down the steps.
Is Donna okay? Was there a break in in the neighborhood? Maybe someone’s house is on fire. Is my phone dead? Is it Chris or Marta. Oh no, is it bad news?
I am half way down the steps when I realize that before I went to sleep, I was warm, so I took off my pajama bottoms. I am in a t-shirt and skivvies. Knowing that no one wants to see me in my skivvies, I contemplate turning around, but decide against it. I can just grab a bath towel out of the hall closet and tie it around my waist.
When I finally get to the door, I take a deep breath before I peek outside. My adrenaline is running because I am really concerned for the fates of everyone I know.
This is where the riddle loses me; so much so, I want to find the person who wrote it and make him go for therapy.
Why the hell are my parents at the door at 3AM wanting breakfast? It is 3AM– the middle of the night! The moon is shining, and the rooster is asleep!
My next problem is that they came to my house wanting breakfast. Denny’s could serve up something better than I could, especially in the middle of the night. Their grills are fired up and ready. Second, I hate cooking, and by this point in my life, they would be very aware of my lack of culinary skills And third, and maybe the most vital question to this scenario, if I am really inviting them in for the first meal of the day, why am I offering wine? Wouldn’t coffee make more sense, or at least orange juice?
So you see, the problem I have with the riddle is not whether it is phrased correctly. The problem I have is that it is phrased at all!
Let’s save breakfast for a more reasonable hour, shall we?