100 Days. I only have 100 days left. It is still a very daunting number, but I have less days to write than I have written. I think it is important to review the goals I established for myself on Day 1: Birth Day.
1. I will be funnier this year. (X7)
I think I have accomplished this goal. Who can forget I Have Failed My Children or I’d Be Happy to Be your Coach, But Please Don’t Expect me to Know the Rules. I have written oodles and oodles of hilarious blogs. Seemingly, I am one funny chick. Of course, Freshly Pressed refuses to recognize me, but I said I wasn’t going to talk about that anymore. I’m so funny, I am going to tell you my favorite joke.
Little Johnny is in third grade, and he is staring out the window when his teacher calls on him.
“Johnny,” she says. “I’d like you to answer a word problem for me.”
“Okay,” says Johnny. “Shoot.”
“Okay, Johnny. There are five birds sitting on a fence, I shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny thinks about it for a split second and then says, “None, Teacher.”
The teacher looks concerned. She holds up her fingers. “Now, Johnny, this is a simple subtraction problem. Look at my fingers. There are five birds sitting on a fence, I shoot one, how many are left?” She pulls down her index finger so that only four fingers remain.
“None, Teacher,” Johnny replies even though he is staring at her hand.
Teacher is a little perturbed. “Johnny look at my fingers. Five minus one is four. There would be four birds left on the fence.”
Johnny shakes his head. “Teacher, if you take out a gun and shoot a bird, the other ones would fly away. There wouldn’t be any birds on the fence.”
The teacher smiles. “That’s not the answer I was looking for, but that is a good answer. I like the way you think.”
The teacher goes to another student and begins another word problem when Johnny raises his hand. The teacher stops and says, “Johnny, do you have a question?”
“Yes, I do Teacher. Can I ask you a word problem?”
Intrigued, she says, “Sure Johnny, what is it?”
Johnny clears his throat. “There are three ladies sitting on a park bench. They are all eating ice cream cones. One is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?”
The teacher crimsons, but she is convinced he does not understand what he is saying so she decides to plays along. “Well, Johnny, I think it would be the one sucking.”
“No teacher, it would be the one the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”
2. I will love my children and husband more. (X7)
Yes. I think I have done a pretty good job of showering them with love. Although, I do yell when they are bugging me and I am trying to write. (Case in point, Lizzie was just standing next to me begging for a Reese’s cup. (Please. Please. Please. Please. ALL RIGHT ALREADY, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!– Hey wait, did she just pull a fast one?)
3. I will try not to take apathy so personally. (X7)
I am struggling with this one. I had an epic blowup at one of my classes on Friday. It is a sophomore class, and the students are indifferent about their own education. I take it personally when they do not try. My curriculum is interesting, and I know I deliver it well. It’s hard to stand in a room of 26 people and be the only one who cares.
4. I will enjoy more fruit smoothies. (X7)
Grocery list: Strawberries, blueberries, and bananas. I still have a hundred days.
5. I will exercise more. (X7)
I went through a period this summer when I was working out a great deal. Since school has begun, not so much. Between work, cheerleading practices, keeping a house in order, and writing every day, exercise has taken a back seat. However, cheerleading is over in two weeks. I will get back into the gym then!
6. I will win the lottery. (X7)
Damn it! I have not won the lottery, and it is not because I do not try. I just thought because I wrote it down, it would come true– kind of like a dream board. I assumed by typing those words into the computer, I would magically be setting my life on some mythical path toward making all of my dreams come true– well at least the ones that involve money and getting rid of debts.
To date, I have wasted close to $700.00 in lottery tickets, scratch offs, Keno losses, and horse bet losses. And let’s not forget the day I wanted to eat someone’s face off because the slot machines stole my money!
Maybe the key to winning is not losing. All I can hear is the computer generated voice of Joshua at the end of War Games: “Greetings Professor Falken. Strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?”
100 days. 100 days to make these dreams come true. Imagine it and I can make it a possibility. This or something better now manifests for me in divine and appropriate timing: Ahom. Ahom. Ahom. One with the Universe. One with the Universe. One with the Universe.