I’ll be the first to admit, I am not a budgeter. I do not exactly live paycheck to paycheck, but I am not exactly sitting on a nest egg, either. Every time I think I am about to get ahead, really start putting some money away, something major needs repair or replaced, and I am dipping into savings: the garage roof leaks, the water heater goes, the lease on my car is up. The perfect storm is not a category 5 hurricane. The perfect storm is a cataclysmic break down of reality, when my bank account flutters, and I am suddenly experiencing a clusterfuck of emotion.
Christmas is 99 days away, and to some people, this may seem like an eternity. However, it is looming. It’s out there; it’s really out there. Each day that passes, the bells jingle louder, the sleigh picks up speed, and the turtle doves get restless. Those eight maids a milking, they don’t care about the band tuition and the instrument rental. Those 11 pipers piping, they don’t care about the breaks that need replaced on the car. Christmas and all his minions ignore my screeching objections; all they care about is holiday cheer.
Hence, I have come up with five sure-fire ways to alleviate stress and get to the Christmas season without having a coronary or a stroke.
Five Ways To Make It To Christmas
1. Drink. In the past, I have found that drinking makes whatever is upsetting to me seem less upsetting. At times, it even offers a mind erasing quality, and thus, actually makes me forget what I was thinking about at all. Tossing back a few shots of Sambuca, bellying up to the bar for a martini might just make me forget about worrying at all.
2. However, drinking can get expensive. The whole reason I am stressing is because I do not feel like I have enough disposable income for holiday shopping. Maybe instead, I should ask my doctor to increase my Zoloft prescription to 100 mg, or 200 mg even! Surely, if I am feeling euphoric, the stress of making shopping lists, planning a Christmas card, and thinking about the oodles and oodles of Benjamins I will be spending will bring about a feeling of rapturous delight.
3. I could always take a sabbatical and follow in the footsteps of Elizabeth Gilbert; maybe I need to spend four months in a sacred ashram in India and try to commune with the divine. If I leave on the next flight out, I am sure I could be on a prayer mat with my legs crossed and my eyes closed by sundown tomorrow. “One with the Universe. One with the Universe. One with the Universe.”
4. The flights to India this time of year are outrageously expensive, especially when trying to travel last-minute. I could always just work on pissing a few people off. Nothing like a pre-holiday fight to get everyone in the mood. The upside would be that if everyone is mad at me, we probably won’t be exchanging gifts.
5. Or, I can just believe in a Christmas miracle. Didn’t that little girl get a house somewhere around 34th Street? Didn’t some boy get a ride on a train in his pajamas? Surely, a Christmas miracle is not too far-fetched! A bag full of money dropped on my door step would do the trick, but in lieu of that, I would be happy with a winning lottery ticket or a tip for the trifecta in the third race at Pimlico on the 30th.
I believe. I believe. It’s silly, but I believe.