Somewhere between delirium; sickness; and sleep, I had a dream. I was sitting in my kitchen sipping a cup of coffee, which in my dream tasted delicious even though the thought of it right now makes me vomitous, and I was reading an In Style magazine. (By the way, in real life, I have never read In Style magazine, but if it is as well written as it was in my dream, I’m hooked!)
What caught my eye and made me buy this issue of In Style was Eddie Vedder. Many of us think of Vedder as the serious front man for Pearl Jam: the man with seductive eyes who has something to say. Yet here, in In Style magazine, he was the feature article, but not because of his voluminous collection of musical triumphs. He was being showcased because Eddie Vedder had changed professions and had become a premier Let It Ride dealer! Premier, that’s right. I know. I know. I didn’t think there was such a thing as a premier Let It Ride dealer either, but here he was in the magazine toting his accomplishments and gigs at the most prestigious casinos all over the world .
I was sipping coffee and thinking, Man, how cool is that? To start over. To try something new. To be the inventor of a new destiny. I was so enthralled with the article that I didn’t notice the pitcher of water on the shelf above my head. I threw up my arms, and the pitcher spilled all over me.
My body jerked and I awoke soaking wet. Now, I doubt it was from that pitcher of water. The flu bug had been playing mean tricks on my brain and my body for over two days, and I am assuming this drenching was a product of that evil rascal.
Nonetheless, it got me thinking. It would be amazing to try my hand at a new job. I truly believe there are a great deal of respectable jobs that do not get a whole lot of attention, but they are jobs I secretly yearn to do. I lulled myself back to sleep dreaming of other possible careers.
1. Postal Carrier. Yes, the mailman. I do not want a truck and a route in the better neighborhoods. These mailmen do not interact with anyone. I want to be the person with the walking route. When I grew up we had a wonderful mailman, Gary, who walked our streets and delivered the mail. He knew everyone by face, and he knew the majority of us kids by name. I remember anticipating a letter or a magazine and waiting on the front stoop for Gary. Would he have it today? Would today be the day my Highlights magazine showed up? I have to assume he loved it when he handed me the mail, and I would tear off into the house screaming, “Mom, it came! My magazine came today!” To bring a child such simple joy would be an auspicious reason to do a job.
2. UPS Driver. This job might be better than the last because the postal carrier also brings bills and foreclosure notices. The UPS driver though, he only brings joy! He either has something you purchased that you are eagerly awaiting, or he bears a gift from someone else. Either way, it’s a win win to be the UPS driver. Everyone is happy when Brown pulls up.
3. Slider or any Major League mascot. Everyone loves the mascot! How many times do I see Slider and get giddy? I am a 42-year-old woman and I want to get my picture with Slider! The greatest part about being the mascot is that it is all about interaction and hamming it up. To be honest, I love to be silly and obnoxious, but usually, I have to constrain myself in lieu of looking the fool, but when you are Slider, you cannot look like a fool! Thus, I believe I could shake, shimmy, and schmooze as good as, if not better than, any Major League mascot.
4. Vendor at the Ball Park. All right, so if my limelight dream runs amok, I could go for option number two: the vendor. At Progressive Field, we have a vendor that has the most distinctive voice, and when he yells “Beer Guy,” whether I am thirsty or not, I want to buy a beer from him. He adds to my ballpark experience, and I think I could have the same effect on people. My voice can be loud, thunderous even, and I think I could get the attention of many patrons. If I was hired to be a vendor, I would like to sell Twizzler ropes. I have already perfected a “Candy” jingle. Why do I think this would work? A few years back, I had a young lady at school selling chocolate bars for a fundraiser. She was struggling to sell because she lacked panache. I took her box, yelled my jingle in the hall, and I sold 27 candy bars in less than five minutes. Oh yes, I know I can do it! Larry Dolan is losing money without me!
5. Black Jack Dealer. Now you are thinking I stole this idea from Vedder, but I didn’t! I love to play Black Jack. Anyone who has ever played Black Jack with me has said that the table comes alive when I sit down. The problem lies in the fact that I only play once or twice a year because I do not like losing money. However, if I was the dealer, I wouldn’t be losing money! I could play all day, have fun, and make the patrons have fun. I would say “Good luck on that Ace!” and I would mean it. A good dealer is hard to find.
I mean really, if Eddie Vedder can switch careers, why can’t I?