Day 75: Quitting

I seriously thought about quitting today.  Each day, I hit the Publish button, and I immediately feel a sense of accomplishment/dread.

Accomplishment: Yes, I published another blog!

Dread: F…!  What am I going to write tomorrow?

This morning, my allergies kicked in about three and half weeks earlier than usual.  I felt fuzzy and sluggish and all I wanted to think about was going back to bed.  85 degrees on the second day of Spring, and I felt cantankerous.

Self-doubt kicked in:  When all is said and done, 366 posts later, what will be the conclusion?

I know.  I will be 43.

Sitting at lunch devouring my very small, supposedly filling Smart One (8 points my ass!), I noticed the “Diversions” section of the newspaper open on the table.   God knows, I could use a good diversion now and again.  “Dear Abby” caught my eye: “Why do men enjoy porn?”  Hmm, kind of wanted to know what Dear Abby thought!  Personally, I always thought Dear Abby was kind of a prude, but she defended men and their visual stimulation.  Who knew she would justify indiscretions?  Thatta Girl!

I then decided to read my horoscope.  I know, I know.  It is ridiculous.  The horoscopes published in the paper are horribly general.  More than likely, Bob in Accounts Receivable writes them on his lunch break.  Yet, I felt like I had to.  I felt like I needed a sign.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) ****
Your creativity and caring only add to your interactions.  A loved one, child, or potential flirtation responds well to a conversation.  Focus some of this dynamic energy on a project– it could be golf; it could be work.  Tonight: Go with the moment.

Instead of focusing on the void in my stomach (because I finished my lunch in less than ten bites), I decided to analyze what this could be saying.

1. Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19).  Okay, so far so good.  That is true.  Bob is 1/1
2. ****  A four star day— really?  Fuzzy.  Sneezy.  Sluggish.  Annoyed.– Four of the Seven Dwarfs, maybe, but four stars?
3. Your creativity and caring only add to your interactions.  Ha!  I do not feel creative, and obviously, if I feel like quitting, I don’t seem to care.
4. A loved one, child, or potential flirtation responds well to a conversation.  I presume a loved one is Tom– he and I will not be in the same room until 9:00 tonight, so we will see about that one.  A child– Carson?  I am taking her to the library for “The Hunger Games Games.”  She is so excited she actually woke up happy.  And as for the potential flirtation–I am long past those days.  Although, I did love flirting (and kissing, but that’s another story).
5. Focus some of this dynamic energy on a project.  Refer back to #2: sluggishness and dynamic energy are not friends.
6. It could be golf.  Golf?  Bob must be a Capricorn himself!  Trying to convince the wife, eh Bob?  It is 85 degrees in March and a game of golf sounds worthwhile.
7. It could be work.  Oh that Bob!  Below the belt.  I know the quarter ends Friday.  I know I have stacks of essays to grade.
8. Tonight: Go with the moment.  Yeah, like the moment I get back from the library I will go to bed.  That moment?

So I guess I wasn’t really inspired.  However, I didn’t quit, either.  Something inside of me won’t let me.

I do know in a second I will hit the Publish button.  You know what I will feel?  Accomplishment and Dread.

Yes, I did it again.  F…! What am I going to write tomorrow?

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