In every practical sense, I am a hypochondriac. I try to keep this fact about myself in the closet; hidden with the dusty memories of wetting the bed until I was seven and not making the cheerleading squad the first year I tried out. Even the majority of my closest, closest friends do not know this about me, but it is true.
As a hypochondriac, I self diagnose. I have aches, pains, discomfort. I know exactly what these pains mean, and I obsess over the fact that I am dying. In the last three months, I have diagnosed myself with the following diseases/issues:
1. I have been achy all over for about a week. Granted, I have had a bad cold, sinus infection, and a terrible cough. However, I haven’t run a fever, and I only get all-over aches and pain when I run a fever. Diagnosis: bone cancer.
2. Since my parents passed away six years ago, I have intermittently gotten weird discomfort in my chest. When life is super crazy and I feel like I do not have enough time to get everything done, it gets worse. Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and concentrate on the feeling, my arms start to tingle and my face feels numb. Diagnosis: heart attack
3. I went through a period when I was really lazy about flossing. For whatever reason, in a day, I was only willing to allot enough time to brush my teeth a few times a day. Flossing seemed extraneous and time-consuming. (You know, that extra minute really put my schedule off-kilter.) After my last dentist appointment, I decided to start flossing every day again. However, my gums started to bleed when I flossed. Diagnosis: heart disease
4. I experienced some blood in my stool recently. I had endured hemorrhoids during pregnancy, so I assumed it was the same condition. But then I started to think about it. Why would I have a flare up after all of these years? I decided to go to WebMd to read about my symptoms. Of course, it could only be the worst diagnosis possible: colon cancer.
And don’t even get me started about the brain tumor I experienced last summer!
To be honest, it is very stressful to have so many diseases and problems, and going to the doctor doesn’t help. Right when I walk into the doctor’s office, my blood pressure goes up, my hands shake, and I feel like I want to vomit.
The problem with having so many diseases is that I have a lot going on in my life. I really don’t have time to die right now. Carson and Lizzie have a recital this June, and I will have a stockpile of costumes to mend; early this summer I need to repaint the girls’ room so that we can get them bunk beds; and I still have 300 blog posts to go. Then there is the next few years: another trip to Disney, braces for the girls, a new roof on the garage.
I have too much to do and work for to let bone cancer, heart attacks, heart disease, and colon cancer get me down. Of course, I do realize that my issues might be related to flu-like symptoms associated with my severe cold, stress and anxiety, weak gums that are strengthening again, and hemorrhoids (which recur in 95% of the people who have them).
Okay, so maybe it isn’t all that bad. I guess I over think my issues and let my hypochondria get the best of me. Oh well. I have a check-up in June, so I guess I will figure it all out; unless, of course, I contract scurvy or malaria before then!